The Moment You Swore Would Never Happen
Your child hits their sibling for the third time today. You've redirected calmly. You've explained why we don't hit. You've done everything the books and therapists told you to do. And then something snaps. You grab them too roughly. You yell right in their face. You watch their eyes fill with tears and confusion—and you realize what you've just done.
The guilt hits before they even stop crying.
You're not a monster. You're not alone. And this moment doesn't define you as a parent.
Understanding What's Really Happening
When you lose control with your child, it's almost never about that single moment. It's the accumulation of hundreds of moments—the sleepless nights, the constant vigilance, the behaviors that don't respond to any strategy you try, the judgment from others, the isolation, the grief you haven't had time to process.
Autism parents operate under chronic stress that most people can't comprehend. You're not just parenting—you're advocating, researching, coordinating therapies, managing sensory needs, preventing meltdowns, and often doing it all while running on empty. Your nervous system is in a near-constant state of high alert.
So when your child does something dangerous—like hitting a baby sibling—your brain doesn't see a child struggling with impulse control. Your brain sees a threat. And your stress response takes over before your rational mind can catch up.
This doesn't make it okay. But it does make it understandable. And understanding is the first step toward change.
The other piece that makes this so painful? Your autistic child's response. Maybe they cried in confusion. Maybe they asked what was wrong. Maybe—heartbreakingly—they comforted YOU. They don't hold grudges the way we fear. But that almost makes the guilt worse, doesn't it?
What Actually Helps
1. Repair the Relationship (You Already Started)
If you apologized to your child, you did something important. You modeled that adults make mistakes too, and that we take responsibility for them. A simple, age-appropriate apology matters: "Mommy yelled and that was wrong. I'm sorry I scared you. I love you."
Don't over-explain or burden them with your guilt. Just acknowledge, apologize, and reconnect. A hug, a favorite activity together, a return to normal—this is repair.
2. Identify Your Breaking Point
Think back to the moment before you lost control. What pushed you over the edge? Was it the repeated behavior? The crying baby? Something your own parent said? Physical exhaustion?
Knowing your specific triggers helps you recognize when you're approaching the danger zone. For many parents, it's not the first incident—it's the fifth. It's not the child's behavior alone—it's the behavior plus criticism plus sleep deprivation plus feeling unsupported.
3. Create an Emergency Exit Plan
When you feel the rage building, you need a plan that doesn't require thinking. Options might include:
- Put the baby in a safe space (crib, playpen) and walk to another room for 60 seconds
- Say out loud: "I need to calm down" (this interrupts the stress response)
- Keep a "calm down" object nearby—a stress ball, ice cubes, something to redirect your physical tension
- Text a code word to someone who can call you or come help
The goal isn't to be a perfect parent who never gets angry. The goal is to create a buffer between the anger and your actions.
4. Address the Impossible Load
You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your cup isn't just empty—it's shattered on the floor. If you're caregiving for a sick parent, managing a new baby, navigating a recent autism diagnosis, fighting for school services, AND dealing with daily aggression, you are carrying an inhuman load.
Something has to give, and it shouldn't be your mental health or your relationship with your child. This might mean:
- Asking family for specific help (not "let me know if you need anything" but "I need you to watch the baby for two hours on Tuesday")
- Letting some things go (the house doesn't need to be clean; everyone can eat sandwiches for dinner)
- Finding even 15 minutes of respite daily—not to be productive, just to exist
- Talking to your doctor about your own stress levels
5. Separate Your Worth from This Moment
You yelled at your child. You may have even smacked their hand. These actions weren't ideal. They also don't erase the thousands of moments you've shown up for your child, advocated for them, loved them fiercely, and tried your absolute best under impossible circumstances.
One bad moment—or even several—doesn't make you a bad parent. What makes a parent is the overall pattern: showing up, trying again, repairing when you mess up, and continuing to learn.
The Bigger Picture
Here's what no one tells you about autism parenting: the hardest moments often aren't about your child at all. They're about you—pushed past your limits, unsupported, running on fumes, trying to be everything to everyone.
Your child hitting their sibling is a problem that needs addressing. But so is your depletion. So is your isolation. So is the weight of criticism from people who don't understand what you're navigating.
The fact that you felt crushing guilt after losing your temper? That's not a sign you're a bad parent. It's a sign you care deeply. It's a sign your values are intact even when your bandwidth isn't.
You will have more hard days. You might lose your temper again. But you'll also repair again. You'll keep showing up. And slowly, as you build support and strategies, the breaking points will come less often.
Your child hugged you after you cried. They asked what was wrong. They showed you grace. Now it's time to show yourself the same.
If you're navigating this right now, you don't have to figure it out alone. AriaStar is here 24/7—no judgment, just support from someone who gets it.
Want more support? Explore our blog or talk to AriaStar.